Ahhh l’amour…we read about it and watch it in the movies and so we think about it. Highly intuitive, spiritual experts will tell you that love is what we crave and need most, and therefore a big part of our existence.
Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. It can also mean a great interest and pleasure in something you enjoy. Some may feel the word “love” is used too loosely, I on the other hand believe it is a dynamic word that holds different meanings and should be shared in the correct context.
The SPARK
A love for something you enjoy, I call this the Spark inside you. I believe it is a little piece of your fiery being that ignites you and creates excitement. For me personally, this is ice cream and french fries, shopping with great friends and enjoying food and drinks on a patio, a walk on a warm sunny day, a beautiful bouquet of flowers, watching a great movie cuddled up on the couch and finding that skip in my step every morning as I wake up looking forward to my day at work surrounded by wonderful people.
The FIRE
I describe the Fire as a bright light, the heat, the burning sensation in your heart that defines the true meaning of unconditional love. This is your life source, a part of your soul that is shared with specific people that you let into your bubble.
Your Fire is based on values, code of ethics, commonalities, and connection. Your Fire is typically shared with family and loved ones. For example, the absolute true meaning of unconditional love could be that between a child and parent. I know from experience, not once but twice, how deeply lost in love I felt when I held my two girls for the first time and how much that love grew stronger as they too became persons of their own. This is a love like no other felt by both parents and uniquely had by a mother who nurtured their baby into existence.
This love also deeply connects us with our immediate family and extended family. Our best friends who feel like siblings. It can also be a “calling” you may have in life that exudes passion deep down inside you, such as impacting peoples lives through life coaching. Like the largest and strongest root from a tree that grows alongside you and becomes part of who you are and were meant to be.
This Fire love recognizes the beauty in life’s every moment and is an expression that does not expect anything in return, it just gives.
The Fire and Flame types of love are deliberate acts of valuing someone more than you value yourself, true selflessness. It is about giving on all cylinders unconsciously.
The FLAME
This is your fireplace. It belongs in a private space inside you that has unlimited room in your world to grow. It can easily spiral out of control and explode into a sudden expansion or outburst, and it can also be ongoingly sustained with consistent effort and attention.
The Flame is the romantic category of love and is extremely powerful when shared with someone special. This kind of love wakes you up and gives you life. It encourages you to be your best self and is what we all want and need most- a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual connection.
A true and sustained Flame is all about connection, integrity, and truth, even when we do not want to hear it. It is one’s soul’s counterpart in another and can bring forth many blessings and lessons. In this state of love, you discover so much about yourself- what to be and what not to be. The question is, are we listening?
We all have an internal desire to feel safe. You may also refer to this safety as certainty and security. We first feel this “security” in our relationship with our parents. We look up to them, admire them, trust they will love, care, and protect us. Unfortunately, this may not be everyone’s experience and very often, this lack of “security” in our younger years can rear its ugly head in our future romantic relationships. Why? Because it is the most vulnerable state we will be in with anyone in our life.
So, how do you find and keep this type of love and not sabotage it, you may ask?
A Flame love requires effort, patience and understanding. When your relationship goals get tangled up, it can be difficult to unwind. One of a lover’s best qualities is expressions of tenderness.
These include offering emotional and physical affection, expressing tenderness in speech and tone, compassion, sensitivity to your partner’s needs, sharing activities and interests, and maintaining honest yet kind exchanges of personal thoughts and feelings.
We expect our Flame to be the perfect mate, our best friend, the wildest lover, the kindest parent, a loving family member and a successful life partner mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, and so on.
We try to establish relationships based on the needs we have, and our Flame is who we expect to meet those needs. After all, they are the one person closest to you on all levels, right?!
Here’s the secret, lean in close…
A friend once shared a very unexpected view which I really liked. That view was, we say, “I love you” and focus on the love part and the feeling that brings, however we often forget the “YOU” part. YOU- are a very unique being, no one quite like YOU. Hence, the way we love YOU must look different than the way we love another.
From my various experience, there are three major factors to a successful and prosperous Flame love relationship.
1. Although your lover is your best friend, your family and maybe even your business partner, you can not treat them as you do your best buddy or girlfriend, your sibling, or a peer at work. What would make them special and the “chosen one” for you, if they were treated as you do everyone else? There is a heightened sense and extension of yourself that gives greater attention, focus, time, and affection to your interaction with this person. They must feel uniquely different in your eyes.
2. Our Grandparent’s have all told us to “treat others the way you want to be treated” which essentially meant, show everyone the respect they deserve. Although helpful in the outside world, it is the complete opposite with your lover. My strongest advice is to “treat others the way THEY want to be treated”. That is the only way they will actually feel it.
This is a very bold and noteworthy statement. The truth is, just like a snowflake, none of us are the same or can be replicated. We all have different emotional capacities, mental stimulations, creative skill sets, temperaments, interests, experiences and most importantly- upbringings. All of which determine who we are deep down inside. It also determines the personality characteristics that we most often fall back on.
Therefore, if we are all so different, then how could we possibly all want or need the same things, in the same ways and in the same doses?
Learning your partners needs and wants will helps your relationship to flourish and grow strong over time like a flower from its seeding infancy to its breathtaking beauty as it fully blooms.
3. CONSISTENCY is key. Consistently deposit funds of trust and love into their bank account. Here is an example: If you want to stay healthy physically, there are some fundamental actions that need to take place to achieve that goal. You can work out for one week, 10 hours a day and that will not make you strong for a lifetime. However, if you work out 20 mins everyday for years, you will build resilience and when you devour that entire chocolate cake one weekend, you will bounce right back.
It is the same with any type of relationship you may have. We ask for forgiveness from time to time which is a withdrawal into their bank account so long as we keep continuously making deposits.
How do we nurture the SFF (Spark, Fire and Flame)? The moment we allow ourselves to understand the impact our actions have on others. Also, in the moment we start to treat those around us as unique individuals.
There is a great book, an easy read that I recommend called: The 5 languages of Love by Gary Chapman. In this book, the author so brilliantly shares individual personality types. Understanding and decoding these different ways of showing love will help take the guesswork out of our relationships.
5 Love Languages:
Quality Time- Undivided attention. No televisions, no smartphones, or any other distractions. It is about dedicated time together which brings comfort.
Physical Touch- This is about a big warm hug, a gentle kiss, perhaps even holding hands or being arm and arm with someone important to you.
Gifts- This is not necessarily materialistic. It just means that a meaningful or thoughtful gift is what makes a certain someone feel loved and appreciated and thought of.
Acts of Service- The saying of “actions speak louder than words.” This is about expressing yourself by doing things that you know someone important to you would like.
Words of Affirmation- Verbal compliments that build someone up.
Whatever your own personal definition of love is, we all are searching for a form of it. We all need it even if we do not think we do, and we all could give a little more of it to ourselves as most of us tend to forget to self love.
The power of love is held within each of us every moment of every day once we recognize our oneness, wholeness, and interconnectedness.
It is in the sharing and giving of love to others that will surely allow you to experience love itself.
Express love to the world around you and the world will reflect it back to you.
-Leslie Carrafiello
